SO you've met for a drink, been out to dinner,
maybe been to see a movie.
The time is looming when one of you is
going to have to go to the other's house.
I'm not talking in a nudge-nudge, winkwink
sense. I'm talking about cooking dinner,
watching a DVD, hanging out.
As a relationship progresses from the
formal dating stage into coupledom, you
start to make inroads into each other's personal
space.
But how do you cope with someone else
coming into your home, or being in theirs?
Do you find yourself getting twitchy if they
don't seem to understand that coasters are
there to put your cup on, or if it's getting
perilously close to the time of your favourite
TV show and they seem to have settled
comfortably on your sofa for the night?
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Personally, I prefer having people in my
space than going into theirs. This is as true of
friends as it is of dates. There's no major
reason for this, I think it's just a comfort
thing. And luckily I don't have many house
rules, so it would be pretty difficult for a date
to flout them. But looking back over all 17
years of my dating history, I seem to have
engineered it so that the vast majority of
home-based dates have been at my place,
from my high-school boyfriend practically
living at my mum's house to my latest date
being on very friendly terms with my cat,
Oscar.
Not everyone feels the same, though. In
fact, it was a conversation with my friend
Jenni that made me think about the whole
territory issue.
She said: "Anyone would think I'm an only
child the way I act in relationships. For some
reason I get really territorial in my own
space and don't want to share. I have
absolutely no idea where it comes from but
whenever my boyfriend comes round my
house I feel like he's invading my space.
"I never show it, but if he dares to even
venture a toe on my side of the bed I start getting
really annoyed in my head - yet I'm fine
about it when I'm at his.
"It's the same with other things, too - I'd
much rather share his friends and go out
with them than have him come out with
mine. It sounds awful but I'm just so
territorial when it comes to my things! I do
wonder if I'm the only woman who does it
and why I feel that way."
Jenni definitely isn't the only one.
May says: "I am territorial but, having said
that, I try to be tolerant when visitors call
otherwise I don't think anyone would be
prepared to set foot over my doorstep.
"The reality of the matter is that I would
prefer it if all guests removed their shoes as
they step across the threshold and if no food
or drink was ever consumed in the living
room; a somewhat impractical view as it
doubles as the dining room!
"However I'm very careful to conceal all
such thoughts as I wouldn't want anyone to
know that I am verging on the neurotic about
such matters. The only exception to this rule
of keeping quiet is in the case of my partner
who, poor man, knows exactly how loopy I
am and what he needs to do to avoid causing
me carpet/upholstery distress."
Patrick also feels more comfortable going to
his date's place, though for quite different
reasons.
He says: "It sounds a bit bad but in the early
stages, I prefer to go to a date's house. That
way I can leave and arrive when I'm ready
rather than having somebody who may
outstay their welcome at my house.
Admittedly, I may do the same to them, but
that was their problem for inviting me round!"
Looking further down the line, if the
relationship becomes more serious,
Catherine can spot the odd hurdle. She says:
"I think I am pretty laid-back but in reality at
times I'm not. If you live with me, I need to
know where you are and what you are up to,
not because I am a needy person but because
I need to plan!
"I've realised I am a little bit anal and need
to have a tidy and clean environment to live
in or else it upsets my life. So always clean up
after yourself is that too much to ask? Any
takers?"
Actually, the tidiness thing is an issue for
me, not because I don't like dates messing up
my house but because normally it's such a
tip that if I think anyone might pop over I
have to launch a full-scale assault on it.
This means that as well as sorting out my
hair, clothes and make-up before a date, I also
have to allow time to tackle the mountain of
washing-up, push the vacuum around and
hide all my junk in my spare room.
Of course, I could try to keep my house in a
presentable state all the time but it might be
more realistic to go to my date's house rather
than having him over to mine.
And learning to be comfortable in each
other's space is all part of developing a relationship
with someone.
After all, the time may come
when you decide you actually
want to share your personal
space, so it might be worth getting
your coaster/shoes
off/favourite TV show issues out
of the way now.
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