I didn't think stripping off for a woman would be quite this painful...

IN my younger days, if a woman rejected my advances I would put it down to a huge personal defect on her part. However, in recent years, the evidence seems to suggest that women have become immune to my charms.

I looked at myself long and hard in the hope of finding the cause; looks, personality, charisma and modesty - Ed - no problems there.

That's when it struck me. Having been born hairy as a chimp, it may be my healthy coat of fur that was putting the ladies off.

In recent years, some sporting icons have refined male grooming to an art form and the likes of Beckham, Lampard and Ronaldo wouldn't be seen dead with an untweezered hair on show.

However, for those of us who aren't professional athletes, a hairy chest can cover a multitude of sins and I had no desire to draw attention to the impressive man breasts I have been cultivating over the last few years.

After much soul-searching I headed to the Beauty Studio, 124a The Hundred, Romsey - with heavy heart and heaving bosom - to have the unsightly hair ripped from my body.

The first thing to point out is that there was no waxing below the equator; just chest, shoulders, stomach and back - but this was enough to get an insight into what the treatment entails.

First, I had to lie face-down while my back was waxed.

Having the pain threshold of a small child I was proud I managed to limit myself to just the occasional girlish squeal as beauty therapist and hottie Anna Glasspool worked her magic.

However, she then moved on to the chest. Agony is too weak a word to describe the next 20 minutes of my life.

My woes were slightly eased when she rubbed lotion on my now luminous pink skin - it almost made me wish I hadn't cried throughout.

After checking my nipples were still attached, I left the salon a little sore and blotchy but smooth as a dolphin.

There were a few red spots on my chest but it certainly looked a lot neater and more aerodynamic should I need to move at speed.

If my new silky smooth look attracts a gaggle of wanton women, I may find a way of working waxing into my grooming schedule, but if not I may forego the ordeal until I achieve the finely-sculpted body of an Olympian god.

11:47am Tuesday 29th April 2008

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