I'm not jealous - honestly! Didn't I mention my lovely new contact lenses...?

JEALOUSY has definitely got a bad name. If there's one thing you don't want to come over as in a relationship it's jealous. The word suggests a whole collection of related nasties: insecurity, controlling behaviour, bitterness - the list goes on.

But what are you supposed to do about it? Jealousy, as my own experience and conversations with my friends has revealed, doesn't respond to logic.

You might know it's ridiculous, or at best unhelpful, to mind that your boyfriend had girlfriends before you or to have a nagging, uncomfortable feeling when he goes out with female friends, but that doesn't mean you can easily talk yourself out of it.

And then there's the other side of jealousy - some people enjoy feeling a little jealous or making their partner feel it. It can create a bit of a spark, and make you feel wanted if there's a bit of jealousy flying around.

At some point in our lives, all of us have done something to make our boyfriend or girlfriend a little jealous, from the more innocent end of letting them know we have an admirer to frankly sad behaviour such as flirting with someone else in front of your partner or even going so far as sleeping with someone else to elicit a response.

But is it ever healthy? After all, people might enjoy smoking a couple of packets of cigarettes a day, shovelling junk food into their faces or taking illegal substances, but I haven't heard anyone saying these are healthy pastimes which should be encouraged.

It was Faith's recent experience of jealousy that really got me thinking about the whole subject.

She's in a new relationship with a bloke who is clearly besotted with her but that doesn't mean she's immune to pangs of jealousy.

She says: "The jealousy I've been experiencing is quite a tricky one to rationalise. I have no reason to feel threatened by my boyfriend's housemate - quite the opposite. They were involved with each other before he met me and he had every chance to pursue a relationship with her but chose not to. That speaks for itself, really. He doesn't treat her as anything other than a friend and there's no suggestion of flirtation or tension between them. Most of the time it doesn't cross my mind but that makes it all the more difficult to deal with when jealousy rears its head.

"He actually asked me if there was anything he could do to make it easier for me, and the honest answer was no'. I can't even say I'd like it if he ignored her or was dismissive of her because I'm too much of a feminist for that and in my eyes that would make him disrespectful of women. So, even though my jealousy is provoked by the fact that he is still good friends with, and lives with, a woman he slept with, that's actually infinitely preferable to dating a man who has no respect for women."

I really sympathise with faith - it's incredibly frustrating to have feelings of jealousy, paranoia and other dating nasties, which you know are irrational and want to switch off but can't.

We like to think of ourselves as rational beings, so finding yourself in the grip of irrational feelings can be kind of humiliating.

But just trying to ignore it and rise above it without trying to deal with it can mean you're just bottling it up so it can brew and expand on its own.

Giving into it definitely isn't the answer, though, as May knows only too well.

"I was married to an excessively jealous person and only too aware of the potential jealousy has for causing immense damage to both parties," she says.

"Because of his jealousy, my husband was almost afraid to let me out of his sight and, in order to avoid difficult situations arising, I learnt to make sure that I only spent time with people and in situations which did not make him feel threatened. Nevertheless, his capacity to feel jealous, even after several years of marriage, still caught me unawares.

"For example, he proudly boasted to a friend of his about my ability to cut his hair. His friend asked me to cut his and I was happy to agree. But as soon as his friend was out of earshot, my husband objected strongly to the arrangement as he believed his friend would interpret my attention to his hair as a sexual conquest!

"Jealousy doesn't have a place in a healthy relationship; it eats away at the bonds which unite people because the result of it is very likely to be that the receiving partner will start to be less than truthful about their activities in order to avoid a jealous response. In a caring relationship, in order to thrive, both parties need to know they are trusted and displaying jealousy is likely to take you well down the road towards the end of the relationship."

So, what's the answer? I'm not sure there is one, not one that ties up all the loose ends and can eradicate jealousy from your relationship. Open communication about your feelings combined with not playing games is a start. Fighting your own feelings of jealousy by firing the same feelings up in your partner has the same logic as nuclear war - the other person might not win but neither will you.

Other than that, I guess it's best to accept we're all flawed, and not beat ourselves up too much about it. And we can all take comfort in the fact that while we may feel a raging emotion, we don't actually have to act on it.

2:30pm Tuesday 6th May 2008

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