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The Hounds of Love
HAVING never owned a dog, I
was surprised to find myself
hearing about more and
more singletons being taken
off the market after meeting
a fellow walker in the park.
It struck me I wouldn't have to
actually like dogs for this to work - I
would just have to trick women into
thinking I did.
Not being a dog person, I had no
idea how to procure a canine and
was surprised that no businesses
seemed to rent animals out for the
purposes I had in mind.
Of course, the obvious answer was
to buy a cute puppy and have it put
down once my feature was finished
but you would be amazed at how
badly this suggestion was received
by my limp-wristed dog-loving
colleagues.
Finally, I decided to contact a dogwalking
agency, which would no
doubt be able to put me in contact
with all manner of hounds and give
me some pointers.
Now I had the unenviable task of
picking a walkee.
If I made the right choice, a
potential mate could be halfseduced
before I even opened my
mouth.
I imagined I would be perceived as
a little effeminate if I were to skip
around a Southampton park with a
poodle in tow.
On the other hand, an overly
macho dog like a Rottweiler might
imply latent insecurities.
And, of course, I didn't want to pick
a dog so impressive that I would look
bad by comparison.
After much careful thought and a
choice of two dogs I picked a
chocolate Labrador called Holly who
had beautiful Disney eyes that were
sure to lure the women in. She would
appeal to their maternal instincts -
after all, what is a dog but a small,
hairy child?
All I had to do now was work on my
dog-related patter and take a stroll.
Walking Holly was not as idyllic as I
had expected and I began to suspect
she was faintly retarded when she
dragged me through a puddle to look
suspiciously at a patch of wet grass.
Once my dog-control improved, I
was able to walk safely around the park
without fear of being overpowered.
I did not meet as many people as I
had hoped, although my dog did
momentarily attract the interest of a
foxy runner when she knocked her
off her feet.
The whole experiment would
probably have worked better if it had
been a sunnier day, although I
suspect in most cases this kind of
flirting works in a numbers of stages.
On first passing a hottie while
walking the dog, a simple nod of
acknowledgement is about the most
you can expect - work that up to a
smile on your second chance
encounter, before marriage and
children on your third meeting.
I dont think dog-walking is a
particularly good way of meeting
women as you only have a flimsy
excuse to strike up a conversation
and they are almost never drunk.
Also, I couldn't fail to notice that
several of the lovelies who were out
and about with their dogs were
carrying little bags of excrement.
To be honest, if Gemma from K9
Capers hadn't been fending off
hopeful suitors, Holly would have
got far more action than me.
Contact Gemma at K9 Capers, of
Garfield Road, Southampton, for all
your doggie needs on
0871 271 4109.
4:25pm Tuesday 17th June 2008
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CommentPosted by: Doggy on 5:11pm Wed 18 Jun 08
Woof!
Posted by: BeerDrinkingDogWalke
r, Southampton on 8:31pm Wed 18 Jun 08
"and they are almost never drunk"
Perhaps you should open up a beer tent near to where all these 'fit single women' walk their dogs.
You'd be getting more than a smile then!
"and they are almost never drunk"
Perhaps you should open up a beer tent near to where all these 'fit single women' walk their dogs.
You'd be getting more than a smile then!
Posted by: Gemma, K9 Capers, Southampton on 9:59am Wed 2 Jul 08
Well, looking back on the experiment I think you were going about it entirely the wrong way. There weren't many dogs/owners about that day. Especially not in the cemetary. And you didn't really [italic]look the part[/italic] in your suit. Haha.
I think the answer is to get a dog who's cool (i.e. not as nuts and... frisky as my gang). That will make you look cooler as a result. I happen to be walking a very chilled-out German Shepherd at the moment if you wanted to try again... except there's not really any hotties in the park by his house. Only older men. Depends what you're into I guess... hahaha.
PS: I'm sure Holly's really offended at being called 'faintly retarded'. That patch of grass had a VERY interesting smell!
Well, looking back on the experiment I think you were going about it entirely the wrong way. There weren't many dogs/owners about that day. Especially not in the cemetary. And you didn't really
look the part in your suit. Haha.
I think the answer is to get a dog who's cool (i.e. not as nuts and... frisky as my gang). That will make you look cooler as a result. I happen to be walking a very chilled-out German Shepherd at the moment if you wanted to try again... except there's not really any hotties in the park by his house. Only older men. Depends what you're into I guess... hahaha.
PS: I'm sure Holly's really offended at being called 'faintly retarded'. That patch of grass had a VERY interesting smell!
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